Hard talks are an inevitable part of the human experience. All of us encounter difficult and awkward situations at work and in our personal lives, and at the heart of those situations are (you guessed it) difficult and awkward people that are usually the source of the problem.

No one (except psycho- and socio- paths) wakes up in the morning intent on doing harm to other people. Most people do not think they are the bad guy, they genuinely act out of their own sense of good will. They genuinely think they are doing the right thing. So how do you address them in a clear, elegant and respectful way?

1. Understand all sides of the situation – The side that you saw or that was presented to you (by your informer) is just one side, there is always more to the story. When the police take statements from witnesses they gather as many statements as possible to triangulate what actually happened. Before having your hard talk you want to be sure you have a complete picture, so as you ask for “statements” do so in a “seeking to understand” way, not in a “witch hunt” way.

2. Have all your facts straight – the worst thing is going into a hard talk misinformed with incorrect, little, or no information. The person you are talking to will immediately get defensive because they will jump to correct your facts and fill in what you don’t know. They will become more entrenched in their position, and won’t be able to hear the genuine message that you have for them. You will also have lost any credibility you had with them. Hard talks are sensitive moments, and you want to go in overly informed.

3. Figure out what the real truth is – Once you have all of the perspectives, all of the context, and all of the facts, you then have to determine, in your mind, the real truth of things. Because we live in a world where truth is relative, and people are quicker to believe their version of the truth than what is actual and real, you may need to provide some much-needed perspective and insight that only your fact-finding could bring to light. Too often once a person is convinced of their truth, they stop looking for the truth, and you may need to correct some people’s perceptions about a situation or a person.

4. Have the talk in private – the only time you correct or challenge someone in public is if they are being openly and blatantly obnoxious, disrespectful, and belligerent, and even then you need to be cool about it. Don’t take the bait, just politely ask them to be quiet, sit down, or leave the room. Take the high road and you will always have a better view. Otherwise always have hard talks in private away from prying ears. The best hard talks are done in private over a meal and beverage. I’ve also had many hard talks while going on walks outside. The fresh air is often disarming.