One of my observations of our current society is that we have lost the sense of thick skin that I feel we used to have. There is such a heightened sense of political correctness and hypersensitivity, that we have created “safe spaces” and have new labels like “micro-aggression” to insulate us from what someone would have called “direct communication” just 5 or 10 years ago.

As a society, we think that direct communication today is synonymous with aggressive communication when nothing could be further from the truth. My personal concern is that we run the risk of becoming a society that has no toughness, thick skin, or resilience. And that’s especially concerning because it’s those things which actually decrease our fear of risk, increase our personal confidence, and enable us to take on greater and greater challenge. Now obviously this is a generalization because not everyone in our society lacks those things, but culturally we are losing our ability to suffer and deal with one another directly.

So how do we engage with people directly, with confidence, with clarity, but with care for what they have to say to us? How do we develop a thick skin to be able to accept negative or “constructive” input? Or give it for that matter? The following thoughts address these very questions:

Become curious about personal shortcomings – The first step is that we need to become genuinely curious about our growth areas. If we have done this step right, there is a natural humility in this kind of thought process. Here’s a little secret and spoiler – what we discover in this exercise of self-reflection – is that we always have room to learn and grow.

Invite feedback from others sincerely –  The way you do this is to invite people to give you candid feedback on you, your character, or your work. You can even say, “One of the things I notice about myself is that I (fill in the blank) what do you think? Would you agree based on what you know of me?”. This is marvelous on multiple levels, it shows you as humble and self-aware, but you also open the door for people to give you candid feedback.

Embrace the “negative” as positive – Mistakes, struggle, problems, frustration, annoyance, and pain are opportunities to grow, learn, and mature. Suck it up cupcake. Pain, struggle, and suffering are the only ways we truly become mature. They expose who we are, they test what we’re made of, they humble us and makes more human, and just like weight-lifting breaks down muscle, they break us down so that we can come back even stronger. Instead of seeing them as negative events, we should appreciate them and allow those experiences to develop us into who we must become.

Become a “safe space” for feedback –  Not everyone can take negative feedback well. Many people don’t. They get defensive, upset, and angry. Become a person who will genuinely listen to the feedback of others without taking it personally. Be thoughtful when someone gives you feedback, don’t just jump to defend your position, look for the truth in what they are saying. Take the emotional element out of it and allow that kernel of truth in. Let go of your ego, and be a safe space for people to bring feedback to.

Appreciate tough talks –  People also shy away from tough talks. Again, these are something to embrace. Tough talks are just as hard for the person delivering it as the person receiving it. In other words, it takes equal courage to give and receive a tough talk. If someone pulls you aside, thank them for their courage and their honesty, and be proud that you elegantly engaged in that talk as well. Appreciate feedback wherever and whenever you can get it.

Do hard things –  It is true that whatever doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, but in order to develop thick skin, we have to engage in activities that make us able to withstand difficulty, suffering, and pain. But it is difficulty, suffering, and pain (i.e., hard things) that give us the mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual callouses to get there. Human nature desires the path of least resistance, so seeking out hard things is counterintuitive. But it is the struggle through those hard things that makes us stronger and tougher, so that when we face the inevitable, we can handle it with grace, ease, and poise. A benefit of developing a habit of doing hard things, is that it secretly builds confidence and maturity for whatever comes in the future.

Our society is at a critical juncture where the art of direct conversation is becoming more extinct every day. We need to restore our ability to do hard things otherwise we will create a weak society, that not only can’t talk to one other for fear of crossing some sensitivity boundary, but that will lack character and toughness. But it all starts with us as individuals, we need to model the elegance to give feedback with directness, care, and poise, but we also need to model how to take feedback in an open, accepting, gracious, and humble way.

Question: What do you think makes people tougher? Do you agree that our society is becoming weaker and more sensitive? Or do you feel that the sensitivity has actually helped our society to become kinder and more inclusive overall? I would love to hear your thoughts on this. You can leave a comment by clicking here.