As conscientious parents, we all have something in common. We not only want to provide for our children – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but we genuinely want to give them better information, lessons, learning, skills, experiences, conveniences, and opportunities – in other words – a better life than we had.

However, in this noble pursuit of giving our children the world, we all face a common enemy…entitlement. The heart of giving our children a better life than we had is the reduction or all-out elimination of suffering (or inconvenience) from their experience. In so doing, we think we are giving them a better life, but what we are actually doing (perhaps unintentionally) is enabling them to feel entitled to all that they have and do. Over time they come to expect little or no suffering (or inconvenience) in their life. And this is a great disservice to our children because we think that by alleviating suffering for them, we are serving them when the opposite is actually true. By giving them everything they need and want, we are creating children who can’t wait, who can’t fail, who aren’t resilient, who can’t fight, who can’t struggle, and who can’t persevere,  – and these are the very essence of being human – and achieving greatness.

So how do we give our children a better life than we had while enabling them to be even better human beings?

Allow them to see and experience suffering for themselves – Our friends, Greg and Mari take their son to volunteer when they go on vacation. So while they are off relaxing, unplugging, or adventuring, they build in time to serve others and give back in some meaningful way. It seems counterintuitive to intentionally allow your children to suffer or see suffering. I wrote a whole blog post about it. But if you’ve done any living yourself, you know that suffering breeds learning, growth, perseverance, and maturity. Why wouldn’t we want that for our children? I could make the argument, that allowing them to suffer does more for their character than an XBox. We should also remember that no matter how much we try to protect our children, Life and Suffering has a way of finding them.

Allow them to make mistakes – One thing my parents did was that they allowed me to make lots of mistakes – often very painful and expensive ones. This allowed me to learn numerous life lessons. So to honor my parents, we have a (fun) thing in our house – we try to celebrate mistakes as learning opportunities. However, living this is easier said than done. My wife and I have to catch ourselves, so as not to get angry or talk down to our children when they make a mistake, rather we try to discuss it humanely with them and ask them what they learned. Mistakes can be humbling learning opportunities if we handle them gracefully. However, if we don’t handle our kids’ mistakes well, they can serve to embitter our children or make them so afraid of failure it can create an unhealthy perfectionism in them.

Give them purpose and responsibility – Whether out of necessity or otherwise, another thing my parents did was that they pulled me into their family business when I was very young. This sense of purpose benefitted me in incredible ways – I learned about customer service, quality, and creating value. I also learned how to hustle, work hard, work smart, how to learn new things quickly, and best of all what it took to make money.

This point cannot be overemphasized – there is tremendous power in purpose. For example, I love seeing stories about teenage entrepreneurs. They not only have a sense of purpose but in the running of their businesses, they quickly learn about how the world really works. They learn about invention, investment, product development, competition, customer relationship management, and finance. And while it causes them to grow up quickly, they also learn that feeling “entitled” and feeling as though you are owed everything certainly doesn’t win you customers, nor does it work in the world.

Discipline and addressing bad behavior and entitlement directly – This is a generalization, but If we live in a first world country, and/or if our children have all their basic needs met, they will feel some sense of entitlement, largely because we have conditioned them to be so. We have done such a good job in meeting their needs and wants, that they know they will come to always expect to suffer less and to want more. Sometimes, they may act out or behave badly as a result of being spoiled. For example, just yesterday I asked my children to clean up a mess they made in the kitchen. It was their mess, and when I asked them to clean it up, they gave me a little more attitude than I appreciated. I reminded them (with my serious voice) that as citizens of our home, that they have responsibility for it as well.

The earlier we deal with unacceptable behavior, the better. It’s easier to deal with behavioral problems when children are young and malleable than to try to modify that behavior when they are older. In my humble observation, once they reach the age of 10 or above it becomes much more difficult, and once they become teenagers, it’s a truly uphill battle. We have to nip it in the bud and remind them continually by modeling gratitude and good behavior, because the feeling of entitlement simply doesn’t work in this world.

Ask them what they are grateful for on a very regular basis – The practice of gratitude is perhaps the most significant of all. Gratitude provides perspective, contentment, and a sense of abundance. Our family uses a practice called “10 good things” where we simply go around and list 10 good things from an event or experience we’ve just had. Or we might list 10 good things from our day if we are catching up at the dinner table. It’s a simple thing that cultivates incredible gratitude if done with consistency and regularity.

Mind you, I’m saying all this from a place of humility. I do not know it all. I’m still in the midst of raising my own children. So as I share these insights (many of which came from the best parents I know), they serve as a reminder to me personally as well. I’ll let you know how it all went – oh in about 15-20 years.

Question: What advice would you give to parents to help their children to be more grateful and less entitled? You can leave a comment by clicking here.