Where does your self-confidence come from? When it comes to self-confidence, I’ve noticed three types of people: those who have no self-confidence, those who have too much self-confidence, and those who have the right amount of self-confidence that is grounded in reality, self-awareness, humility, and faith.
Generally, if you are wondering which one you are, I would bet you fall into the first or third type.
Where does our self-confidence to come from?
This question is actually more difficult than you might think because I find it’s a highly personal thing. We all seem to derive self-confidence from different sources. I recently polled some of the most confident people I know to get an idea of where they get their confidence from, and the answers were incredibly interesting – and diverse:
Higher Education – Some derive their confidence from their education level or their accomplishments in academia – whether it’s achieving an advanced degree, teaching at the college level, or research they’ve done.
Physical features – Some get their confidence from their physical beauty, strength, shape or size. They tend to be unusually beautiful, handsome, tall, or in spectacular physical shape. They have a combination of physical features that make them incredibly attractive by society’s standards, so because society accepts them for their physical attributes they derive confidence from it.
Athleticism – Some gain confidence because they are gifted with athletic prowess. They may have (or had) the ability to move their bodies with unusual power, agility, or speed. And they simply dominate others in sports or physical contests.
Talent – Some are gifted with disproportionate talent in the arts, music, physical ability or mental cognition. They have the ability to amaze people with their innate gifts and talents.
Wealth – While it’s not always a guarantee of confidence, having financial excess certainly doesn’t hurt. Many wealthy people derive confidence from the fact that they have a disproportionate income or wealth relative to others. Having wealth and abundance provides confidence because all of your needs and wants are provided for without having to strive for them. Wealth allows you to have better options in most anything you want to buy whether it’s fashion, vehicles, homes, furniture, food, or vacations, and other experiences – better, more exclusive options are more readily available. Wealth also allows you to get out of the competitive fray for resources. Wealth allows you to focus on higher order priorities and activities. Avoiding or escaping this competitive struggle allows one to have self-confidence.
Who they know – For some their “network is their net worth” and they derive their Confidence from the value of their many connections, and the fact that they can meet virtually any need they have utilizing someone they know.
Professional Position or Accomplishment – Some derive their confidence from their achieving a certain position title, a coveted award, or some standing in their company, field, or industry.
Personal or professional knowledge, skills or abilities – Some people have so much in terms of what they know, what they can do, or what they have experienced in a given domain that they derive confidence from it.
Their ability to serve and meet needs – For some they get their self-confidence from their ability to jump in, serve, take action, meet needs, and solve problems. Sometimes it comes from a place of genuine selflessness, for others it comes from a place of wanting attention, gratitude, recognition, or love for their service, and for some others, they simply can’t sit still. In any of these cases, the person gains confidence for simply serving and being a helpful part of the solution, as opposed to just sitting idly by and not making any contribution whatsoever. After all, you can’t be mad at the person who jumps in and washes the dishes right?
Their faith or belief in Someone or something bigger than they – For many people, their confidence is grounded in God, their faith, their belief system, or an outlook on life that is distinct and different from others – they know something that others don’t, or perhaps their commitment to a great cause.
Sense of past performance – This is closely related to “Professional Position or Accomplishment” above, however this goes beyond a one-time position or accomplishment, this sense of confidence comes from people developing a track record of accomplishment, and so they derive their confidence from knowing they have done great things in the past, and barring any major changes, will continue to do so in the future.
Sense of overcoming – Some individuals have struggled, failed, and have been beaten down by their life, circumstances, environment, or their own decisions. We could say that all of us have been in that same boat at one point or another. Yet, there are those, however, that don’t stay in that state. They take personal responsibility for themselves, they realize that they create their world and they begin to transform their life To become the stuff of dreams. This process of struggling, deciding, persisting, and overcoming is the very thing that gives many people great confidence. They know where they came from, they know what they’ve been through, they know the value of suffering and struggle and they have pulled themselves out of it to live a completely altered life. Their rags to riches stories are ones that not only provide self-confidence and self-inspiration but also provide compelling examples for others to follow.
Wholeness and stability in personal relationships – Both research and common-sense overwhelmingly show that children who are raised in stable, loving homes tend to be more confident and well-adjusted than those who are not fortunate to have that advantage. But this extends to adults as well. Generally speaking, adults who have stability, love, respect, and esteem in their marriages, friendships, home, and personal lives, tend to have greater confidence than those who have imbalanced, fractured lives that lack stability, love, care, and respect.
Where does your self-confidence come from? I believe that our self-confidence comes from a variety of sources both internal and external. One of the common things I heard is that when people were gifted in [external] areas that society tended to look favorably upon like education, beauty, athleticism, wealth, professional position or accomplishment, they tended to be more confident. Otherwise, they derived their confidence from [internal] sources like faith, the ability to overcome struggle, or having certain character traits, skills, or experiences.
People fall within a spectrum of self-confidence. At one end, there is a total lack of self-confidence where someone PERCEIVES weakness in some, many, or all areas of their life. On the opposite end of the spectrum is an abundance of self-confidence which is either a genuine lack for nothing or self-delusion. I have observed that the best kind of self-confidence to have is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. This form of self-confidence is a sober, realistic, hopeful one that takes into account all of our assets, but acknowledges our liabilities (i.e. the areas where we still need to grow). The best kind of self-confidence humbly embraces one’s self and others. The opposite of that is someone who thinks they are superior and stands above others for no particularly good reason.
No matter where your self-confidence comes from you should take great comfort and confidence in the fact that you are the only you in this entire world. You won! You were the one that beat out the rest of the cells that wanted to implant in your mother’s womb. You are a walking miracle. There is no one like you, no one with your exact genetic makeup, no one with your unique upbringing, no one who has your knowledge, skills, abilities, or experiences. No one who you had your exact perspective and outlook on the world. You are the only you in the entire universe. That is something to really ponder, absorb into your consciousness, and make part of your constant awareness.
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