Raise your hand, how many of you have ever encountered someone you don’t like, or someone that doesn’t like you? “ME!” The Universe gives us unexpected gifts and they often come in the form of people we don’t like. Often those people show up in our lives to teach us or reveal something in ourselves. For example, if you’re easy going, you will likely get turned way off by someone who has an uptight, stringent, or aggressive personality. This situation becomes worse if you have to be around that person a lot, like in a work or business situation, or worse – a family situation.
The reality of life is that you can’t change anyone but yourself. It’s difficult (but not impossible) to like someone you don’t like or at least dislike them less. Here are some thoughts on how I did this with bosses, customers, and employees that had mutual feelings of dislike.
1. Seek Exposure. This seems counter-intuitive, because why would I want to be around someone I don’t like? Normal people avoid people they don’t like, but I found that the more I was around that person, the more I grew to know them and understand them. And the mere exposure to that person enabled them to grow on me, even though they may have been utterly repellant before. For one boss, I set up a weekly meeting with them just so that we could interact more regularly. This boss eventually grew on me, and I came to trust them as a close personal advisor.
2. Do good things for them. I’ve learned that we as people prefer to interact with those who do good to us. The same must be true for those that we don’t like. So for one particular customer, I began bringing her chocolate on a regular basis, and this simple act of kindness seemed to disarm that person toward me, even though they had a reputation for being nasty with everyone else.
3. Touch or Compliment. You need to be really careful with this one, because touch can be endearing or really off-putting. Don’t go full- frontal hug just yet, but subtle touches like handshakes or a light tap on the arm or shoulder, actually have a subliminal effect that can help make you a safe person to them. If a person prefers their personal space, though, try a verbal touch – or a sincere compliment. I have found that the people who are the most difficult are the ones that need the most love. A sincere and kind word to them can be just as good as a hand on the shoulder. The verbal touch is one I regularly pull out of my [human interaction] toolkit.
4. Laugh. Joke about whatever annoys you about that person, and if it won’t offend them, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own shortcomings and weaknesses. Nothing disarms others more than bragging about your own frailties, foibles, and struggles, and nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. With an employee who was once furious with me, I would sincerely joke with them about my many other mistakes and weaknesses, and over time this (along with many kind words and good deeds) won them over, and now we are extremely collegial, and it is all water under the bridge.
5. Fake it ‘Til You Make It. We often believe that we act because of the way we feel, which is true. But Amy Cuddy, a Harvard Researcher, has actually put forward the opposite view that we feel the way we do because of the way we act. So if we act the way we want to feel – especially about a person we don’t like, it’s effective if we give it a sincere chance. With the boss I mentioned earlier, I genuinely acted as though I really liked them, and what happened over time was that I did. I grew to like them a lot. I still stay in touch with that former boss to this day and continue to source them for input.
6. Speak Well of Them. This important for more than just liking someone. It’s easy to “place a hit” on someone who isn’t present, especially if they are known to be difficult or odd. Speaking well of others creates greater loyalty for you, because it makes others feel safer that when they are not with you, that you will not speak harshly of them. This is hard to do because our inner-desperate-housewife savors those gossipy morsels, but in the long run, people will respect you, remember you, and like you for it – and over time those who we don’t like will eventually grow on us as well.
7. Be Grateful. If you focus on the good times you’ve had with that person (if any), or if you think about their best qualities, as opposed to those that make you angry or annoyed, it elevates your own mood and will help warm your feelings toward that person. Recently I was working as a consultant with a new customer, a leader who was reputed to cause people to leave their organization because they are a direct, no-nonsense, hard-driving personality. As I reflected on their positive aspects, I quickly realized that this leader was actually good for the organization, which had grown complacent and directionless. This leader and I worked very closely, and I became one of their biggest advocates.
8. Learn From Them. Remember, people we dislike are the ones we need most to learn from because there is something in them that brings out something bad in us. We need to identify what that is. Does this person make me afraid? Then perhaps by learning to like them, I may find my inner courage. Does this person make me feel (intentionally or unintentionally) inadequate or incapable? Then by getting to know them perhaps they will cause me to be better. I had boss one time that told that I was a bad writer, which really took me aback, and admittedly I did my share of lashing out, but in hindsight, as I worked with that boss, and I learned how they think, I realized that in working with them I became a hugely better writer than I was before.
The people who we dislike, who challenge us the most, who we consider the most unreasonable, are often the same ones who teach us or help us grow the most. It’s easy to dislike, discount, disregard, and dismiss them. But then we will miss out on learning who we really are and where we need to grow.
You may actually find that you’ll appreciate certain aspects of these people if you just simply try to get to know who they are. At the very least you’ll understand them, and while it may not completely change your opinion of them, it may help you to dislike them a little less. And that will only make your life just that much better.
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