If you were to look up parenting books on Amazon you would find over 229,000 results (as of the writing of this blog post), and I guarantee you that number will grow.

In times past, people lived in communities and villages that included local family, friends, and neighbors. These villages contained within them the wisdom of ages past that were passed from generation to generation. You weren’t alone in raising your family, in fact, everyone in the village was your family. The children belonged to everyone, the parents were all partnered in raising the children together, and the elders were revered and respected. You didn’t need to leave the boundaries of your village to have everything you needed to ensure your children were raised properly. There was enough wisdom right there in the village.

But now we live in an age of greater and greater isolation. Families are separated from each other and their core elders, living in transient neighborhoods of people they hardly know. Children are the sole responsibility of their parents, and parents are going it alone in raising their children apart from the close-knit communities and villages, and the parents are expected to have all the right answers to address the most complex world ever we’ve ever lived in, at the most complex time to be a parent. And if the child should ever act out badly, whose fault is it? Our society today puts the blame squarely on the parents – not fully accounting for the socio-political-economic-medical-educational-technological environment, genetics, peer groups, and the variable of the child themselves. No wonder parents feel such immense pressure and have created a market for nearly 230,000 books on the subject.

With all this in mind, I have sought to develop a simplified parenting philosophy to help us parents increase our chances of raising our children successfully. Notice that I said, “increase our chances” because with parenting nothing is guaranteed. All we can do is our level best, to hope, and pray for our kids every day that they will internalize our best moments and let go of those where we fell short.

I think the first question we need to ask ourselves is what is the goal of my parenting? If your parenting goal is to get your kid on a varsity team or into an Ivy League school, I would say that we need to open the aperture a little bit.

What is the overall goal for our children? Happiness? I wouldn’t say happiness is the goal because happiness is a fleeting emotion that can be temporarily manufactured with a pony ride or an Xbox. If we make happiness a goal, then we run the risk of spoiling our children in the process.

What would have been the goal for children in the village? The goal would have been to create children who are loved, healthy, educated for their trade or craft, independent, socially well adjusted, capable, productive, resilient, self-assured (not conceited, vain, aloof, or entitled), but have a deep sense of their self-worth and how they fit into their local society. Their goal would also have been to help the child enjoy learning and growing, to make good choices on their own, to be self-aware, to be able to connect with others and to have the humility to take ownership of themselves, their actions, their emotions, and their mistakes. In other words, the goal of the village would have been to create a productive next generation that was good enough to be reproductive in every way. I would say that if we are achieving all this, our children will be truly happy.

So, how do we get there? What follows is a simple philosophy, based on a survey of parents who raised their children to become independent, self-sustaining, and successful adults.

I think this philosophy covers most of the big things. Feel free to chime in on the comments below, if you feel I missed something key:

1. Love – This is showing our children that we love them unconditionally, and are committed to them in every way imaginable. This includes meeting their needs (notice I didn’t say wants), showing them unbelievable amounts of affection (including actual hugs and kisses), and consistently providing words that build-up, show love, and give encouragement and reassurance.
2. Time – one of the ways we show love is by spending time with our children. This not only means showing up to the recital but being present to listen to them practice for the months leading up to it. Our children won’t pick up our best moments if our best moments are spent elsewhere and if we don’t give them plenty of opportunities for observing us.
3. Attention – Beyond time, we need to connect and talk with our children consistently. This includes having real conversations with our children, asking them about the favorite part of their day, or what they are learning in school, troubleshooting problems with their friends, and even how they think we are doing as parents. My kids love to chatter endlessly at bedtime, and while I really want them in bed, because I’m tired myself, I have to make a reasonable allowance for it because it allows me the opportunity to give them focused attention at one of the most tender times of their day, and in the future will be great memories for them.
4. Example – great parenting includes modeling, which means not just showing, but actually being the person you want your kids to become. More is caught than taught. For some reason, “do as I say not as I do” just doesn’t work with kids. What tends to work more (or at least gives you credibility when you do speak) “do as I do”. This is easier said than done, because we are growing ourselves, but what our children will see is us striving to be better, and if we couple that with good intentional teaching and an open dialogue of how we are working on things ourselves, it will make their adjustments more palatable since personal development and growth is (hopefully) just part of the culture in the home. Foundation – in the same
5. Foundation – in the same way that a house needs to be built on a foundation of concrete or stone, our parenting needs to have a core set of principles through which we filter all parenting decisions. What is it for you? Is it a set of religious beliefs and traditions? Is it a holy book? Is it a set of values or a philosophy that you hold as a family? Or perhaps a family purpose or mission statement? If we don’t have some kind of intentional philosophy or values that we are passing on to our own children, then they will get their values from somewhere else – their friends, their school, social media, television, and movies – something will fill that gap by default. So would you rather take the chance of allowing this world to influence your child, or would you rather do so intentionally through your beliefs, values, and worldview?

A good friend of mine, who is a successful executive with an IT Services company, has an interesting parenting philosophy. He said to me “my wife and I have a philosophy that we call “keep the order”. What “keep the order” means is that we teach our children that a successful life tends to follow a certain order. You graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married, then have children.” My friend tells his children, “live life in that order, or else your life may become more complicated, challenging, and difficult.” Whether you agree with my friend or not, you’ve got to admit the philosophy is simple and profound.

Question: What is the best parenting advice you have ever heard or read? You can leave a comment by clicking here.